lost faith

I used to think that humans were generally good beings who had the possibility to selflessly care for others. The last 12 days have not only made my life a living hell, they have totally and completely made me lose faith in humanity and the ability for people to do good.

It all started when I woke up to my roommate screaming bloody murder the Tuesday before last at about 3 am. There was a man in our apartment, who intentionally jumped over the banister on our balcony to break into our back door and enter her room to watch her sleep. Needless to say, going into public or interacting with people has been near-impossible; every person I am near I feel like they can see right through me. I have no privacy or personal space anymore. I can't believe how violated I feel. I don't necessarily mind being at home alone, but I very easily freak myself out and can't stand being alone at night, I discovered yesterday. I went home to Stafford last weekend with my roommate to calm down and spend some money and hug my mommy. I felt a lot better this week until.

My roommate (the same one who got creeped on) and another roommate had their cars keyed. Wouldn't be a big deal to me, we kind of shrugged it off at first then.

Last night, our patio set was stolen. Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with people. Why are people that cruel? Also last night someone threw a cup full of beer on my car while I was driving. It's just like what the hell. Everything seems so isolated but why is this all happening in a matter of 2 weeks? I'm not paying $450 to live in fear. And that's what I'm doing right now. I don't feel safe anymore. I feel victimized and harassed. I feel like I can't trust any one. Why us? Constantly, why this apartment? What have I done to deserve this? We have no security in our apartment complex and I'm fucking sick of it. I'm sick of all of this. Sexual harassment, trespass, vandalism, breaking and entering, and theft. In two week's time. I'm done with this town and I'm done with people.

into the wild

one thing

Morbid as it is, when I'm driving I always think about what would happen if I got in a horrendous car accident and who would visit me in the hospital and how the news would spread. I usually think about this all the way to Point B actually.

home alone

Just ate myself into misery via mexican food. So cheap, so yummy. I've put on a lot of weight and I don't feel healthy about it at all. But I'm starting to think, who the hell cares. I'd rather eat than work out because for some odd reason I feel like food is an art; people were put on earth to eat. Nothing beats biting into a deep fried oreo. Naive, maybe, but at least I'm happy with small things like that. I also like to drink, another reason I've lost all respect for my body, but god damn do I have fun.

I do wish I could dance as much as I did in high school. I don't think I'll ever get on a treadmill for as long as I live (and I have never so far) but damn if I don't miss dancing 25+ hours a week. 12 hour dance days on Saturday were incredible. I actually miss saying, "I can't. I have dance." I hated it so much in high school to give up my Saturdays, but in all honesty those were my best memories. I made best friends. For as obnoxious and snooty as dancers can be, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I only hope that I can remotely recreate it at my new studio (teaching, for those who didn't know), but I know it can never come close to how happy I really was to be on stage competing, surrounded by everyone else who was having just as much of a great time. I still cry when I watch old videos or hear songs that I used to dance to. I can only hope that I have a daughter who feels that passionate about something. I don't care what as long as it isn't teen pregnancy.

I've also spent the last few days obsessing over tattoos and what I want. I'm thinking of dipping into savings and going for it. Consider it a miniature form of a mid-life crisis.

I can't wait to see good people this weekend. I can't fucking wait.

confession

Guilty pleasure: Jesse McCartney - How Do You Sleep

I could listen to this song all day every day and probably not get sick of it. Gross.

messy

It's pouring down rain outside and I couldn't be more excited. This is going to be a lazy fucking day, I can tell already.

I can't tell if I am excited for classes to start on Monday. I'm not excited for people (students) to come back and become a burden. I loved having this town to myself. I loved parking wherever I wanted, driving across town in less than 20 minutes, and not having to wait an excessively long time at any given restaurant. I also liked falling asleep on any given day without having to block out the screaming and puking outside my window. I am excited to see my friends. I want Ellen to move in to my apartment. I actually like going to classes and I want the dance year to start. It's also senior year though and I feel fucking old.

I went to Kings Dominion yesterday with my lil' bro with BBBS. It was great. Exhausting but worth it. I love theme parks and everything about them, even the overpriced food. I kept having flashbacks of my childhood and how awesome my mom was for both dealing with me in a theme park and taking me there so many times.

I also went home this past weekend for an eye doc's appt. but I really wanted to stay longer. It was just a tease to see my parents and my friends but really not be able to spend a lot time with them. The more and more I think about it the more and more I miss the summer after junior year in high school. Those were very easily the happiest days of my life. I know I say that a lot but I really, really mean it. It's depressing to think things may never be that perfect again but it's so worth it to know I have those memories in the first place. Prom, homecomings, and slumber parties in my life have been perfect because of the people I was with. I can't understand why and how we got along so well but seriously, you all made the biggest impact on my life. You guys set the standard for everything that has followed.

king of all wild things